--- title: Reposado - Chapter 3 visibility: public --- It took willpower to go inside. And I was hungry, it’s just that a full cafeteria is full of *people*, some of whom are c*omplicated to be around.* I was less alone in the hallway this time, because even now, there was a final trickle of random students. I had to figure some got stuck in conversation, some had a thing or two to finish up, but… nobody was in a rush. Lunch was still on, but the rush was over. I recognized a few people, like Leon. We weren’t enemies or anything, but we used to be better friends. Stevie, who cut her hair real short last year and then had to grow it back out again. Paul - ugh, fucking Paul, has there ever been a good Paul? Who’s named a kid Paul in the last twenty years? This motherfucker’s parents I guess, and it was the beginning of the end for him, *fucking Paul.* There was still a line for the food, and that’s always weirdly nice, it means you don’t have to start the line all over again and carry the pressure of the line behind you. It’s not so awkward with the food ladies. You just show up and participate in the pattern in progress, and who gives a crap? That’s how I felt about it. Just say what you want and pay for it. So I found myself staring out at the crowd, tray in hand, looking at the usual tables. And yep, there my friends were, waving for me, and it’d be rude not to join them. I think by then, I was starting to put together that the pain of having to leave someday was bleeding into a pain to be around them. But nothing more than that. It’s hard to say now. I picked a free spot on the end and slid in laughing, and you know what, that was a genuine laugh. When I actually got there, it was easy to be my usual self. I went straight for my fries, I caught up on the gossip, presided an impassioned debate on whether stereotypical viking helmets are meant to be a visual pun about how *horny* a person famous for raping and plundering would have to be. Steph was convinced (well, silly and insistent) that this theory was 100% true, and any claims otherwise are cowardly. Caleb thought it was a horns of alcohol thing, which sounds more historical, but who am I, the Viking whisperer? It was fun to hear them argue, and across the table diagonally, I saw Mara grinning along with me. It was a nice moment, and I felt a little lighter. “Well, Lees, you break the tie. Horny or boozy?” Steph asked, waving her hands dramatically. “Uhhhh… yeah, I’m gonna say horny. Point goes to you, Steph!” She clapped her hands on the table in smug superiority, and stuck her tongue out at Caleb. And like, what are we, five? But it was fun. I looked at Mara again. We were riding that same high. Being part of the group, but also kind of a participating audience soaking up every minute of it. She laughed and took a bite of her ham sandwich, and I watched the way the fluourescent lights played off her strawberrry blonde ponytail. It was the second time in a minute that I lost track of what people were saying around me. “…so gross, like who did it…” I blinked. “Sorry, what?” Bree looked at me. “The handprint. You know, in the lady’s…” “Oh right, shit! Yeah, I saw that. I have no idea who did that, but you’re right, it’s gross.” Cassie squirmed and raised her hand. “Sorry, that was me, my bad. But I’ll have you know, it’s not what it looks like, I swear! It actually looks a lot worse today.” Groans resounded the table. “Noooo, no don’t tell people! It’s not period blood, it’s from my nose! It’s a nosebleed, it got on my hand as I was running to get toilet paper. That’s all. Jesus.” Steph looked concerned. “Cassie, I don’t get nosebleeds so I don’t know what’s normal, but that was a whole-ass hand worth of blood. Are you okay? For real, girl.” Cassie rolled her eyes. “I’m *fine*. I got a little pale on Friday, but here I am, doing great, full of kale and orange oil and whatever else my mom throws at me. I’d probably survive a meteor strike right now. Although… uh-oh… oh shit it’s coming back it’s coming back it’s coming back…” She dunked her hand in her raspberry jello, then reached out like a zombie and grabbed Steph by the wrist. Steph shrieked like a field mouse. “oh noooo, I’m dying, oh nooooooo, save yourselves……” Steph wriggled free as the table fell apart laughing. She gave Cassie a steel-hardened glare, and without breaking eye contact, defiantly licked the jello from her wrist and hand. “Bah, mere plague? Please, you’ll have to do better than that!” Caleb looked at me and shook his head in his usual *can you believe this shit* style, grinning ear to ear. Cassie, of course, played right into the theater. “You say that now, but in ten days we’ll see who lives and dies! PLAGUEEEEEEEEE!” And… I don’t know, maybe this is a trick of how I’m remembering it all now. But I feel like I saw a flicker there for a moment, that Cassie was… surprised that she said that? Or that she phrased it the way she did? And… again, it’s not like I can ask her now, for obvious reasons. But it’s something I’ve wondered about many times since then. Ten days. It’s just… I dunno what to think about that. You know what, I do remember something specific, although I don’t know how much it’s useful. Yes. This was the moment where it really hit me that Mara and I were on opposite corners of the table, and I looked at that distance and… it hurt. Not like I’d been wronged, at all, just… I looked at how much table was between us and I processed it as pain. It’s something I’m 100% certain I felt before, but this moment? This was the moment I acknowledged it. It was destabilizing. It hurt at the edges of whatever fucking hole was inside of me, like a candle flame through a sheet of paper. I remember trying not to show it, and being mostly unnoticed… but you can tell when someone’s looking at you. And I didn’t have to meet her eyes. I knew, in that little fugue moment where I gave up and looked at nothing, that Cassie saw me from directly across the table. I felt her… worry. And I shook it off. Another fry, finally get a bite of my sandwich, life is good, huh? Yeah. Life is good. * [Chapter 2](/writing/reposado/02) * [All chapters of Reposado](/writing/reposado/) * [Other stuff I've written](/writing)